Cheatin’ in the Next Room | 3 Steps to Rebuild Trust
Are you ready to work on your relationship after infidelity?
Infidelity is the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one's partner, and it can be detrimental to a relationship. Infidelity can leave scars that fail to fade overtime, and it takes a lot of hard work if the couple wants to move past it.
You might remember that old school song by Z Z Hill, Cheatin’ in the Next Room, which sums up the lengths that people go through for their side relationships. With lyrics like, “talking softly on the telephone, and making plans to meet him somewhere alone” it shows just how painful cheating can be, especially when the partner is doing a poor job of sneaking around. You might feel like not only does my partner cheat, but they also seem to think I can’t see the signs of their infidelity.
When your significant other is initially confronted they might be oblivious and on a cloud from this new relationship, or they might try to make it seem as though they were pushed into cheating. Soon though, as the fire starts to dim and reality sets in, the partner that is cheating has to make a decision. After an ultimatum, your partner will have to decide if they will be faithful to you, (their significant other), or continue the relationship with their other.
As a couple, if you decide to work through this stint of infidelity, know that there is hope for the relationship and couples counseling can help.
As long as both partners are willing to extend compassion to one another, and both are open to make some changes, the relationship can still work. If this is a decision that both you and your partner have made together, the unfaithful partner has to first end their outside relationship and cut all ties with the other individual.
As you both work through what happened, you can then start to plan how you will move forward. You can also plan for a better, stronger intimate relationship by planning short and long term goals for your relationship.
This might be where it becomes difficult for some couples, because they simply do not know how to start repairing their marriage. During this time you might be trying to decide if you will make amends on your own or get additional help, like talking to your church or marriage counseling.
In this blog, I want to provide some steps that you can take, which include you or your partner admitting the wrong behavior, taking accountability for the behavior, and then working towards building the relationship that you and your partner see for your future.
Just know, that as long as you have love and are willing to work towards improving there is light at the end of the tunnel.
1. Admit
The first step to improving the relationship, is for the partner who stepped out to admit that they were wrong by taking responsibility for their actions. Often when individuals step outside of their relationship, they are not consciously thinking about how this will affect their partner.
There is the thrill and excitement of something new, but there is probably little thought about how they are possibly damaging their marriage and hurting you, their spouse. When the cheating partner has been confronted and the cat is out of the bag, it still might be difficult for them to verbally admit to what transpired.
Being able to admit to your partner that you cheated, can be hard on your pride but your partner might consider it a courageous and commendable act. This might be a time to go to your partner and ask them when they are available to meet with you to have this important discussion.
Even though this is a situation that can be heavy to discuss, try to make this encounter peaceful and private. During a heated situation like infidelity, you might react by talking to anyone who will listen, but this will offer little help for healing the relationship, so be mindful. However you plan to talk about what happen, just admit what happened as best you can, so that you can begin to take accountability.
2. Accountability
There are times in life when things do not turn out as planned, but we still have to be accountable for our actions. Admitting to what happened is one of the first step in taking accountability; after admittance comes the real work. This is the time for both partners to work through what has happened but the partner responsible for the infidelity has to be willing to go through their partner’s healing process as well.
During this time they are trying to understand what happened and why it happened, and this is when compassion and accountability should to be expressed towards your partner. This is also a time where you and your partner can work towards being more vulnerable. Part of being vulnerable involves showing a side of yourself that you normally would not show to anyone. Being vulnerable can be helpful in rebuilding trust with your partner.
Trust is something that is hard to obtain but easy to lose, so during this process of vulnerability try to have patience.
3. Address Secrets
Addressing secrets head on can help you and your partner overcome some of the feelings associated with infidelity. When you have been cheated on, you might feel that your partner’s secrets are keeping you from moving forward in the relationship. Even if you are trying to move on, there could still be some doubts that you do not have the whole story regarding your partner’s infidelity.
This is when there has to be honest communication about your feelings, by expressing to your partner exactly how you feel. Being able to discuss what lead to this situation and what could have been done to avoid it can help to bring you one step closer to acceptance and restoration.
This part can be hard on both you and your partner, because hearing about what happened, or your partner talking about what happened, could be difficult to work through. This will probably be very painful to process, and you and your partner should only do what feels comfortable for you.
Moving Forward
After going through all of the pains of your partner’s infidelity, as you both begin to pick up the pieces, you will gain the capacity to start moving forward. As you have worked through what happened and planned for how you will move forward, remember to plan for better.
Rarely in a relationship is only one person at fault, and even if the betrayed partner only contributed 7% out of 100% of fault, there is still space for accountability. So you might be asking yourself, “what can I do different to improve my relationship” and for this there is no one answer.
You can discuss this with your partner as this will let them know that you value your relationship, and that you take accountability for areas you were lacking. Take this time to also learn new ways to foster intimacy and connection with each other. Go on dates, play cards or board games, surprise your partner with a small gift, or take a trip to somewhere you have always wanted to go.
As the song, Cheatin’ in the Next Room ends, he explained that everything that happened was fine because he would soon be gone, thus ending the relationship, but your relationship does not have to end like this song. As long as you and your partner continue to do what is necessary to improve your relationship through forgiveness, accountability, and no contact with the other person.
The relationship can continue to move in a positive direction, and couples therapy can help.
Working with a couples therapist could offer insightful information as you and your partner think about these deeper issues. You are welcome to reach out to schedule a free 20 minute consultation to discuss if marriage counseling is for you and your partner.
